SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is hard to think straight when violently slapped across the face by a spouse’s infidelity. To me, it just doesn’t make sense. How could anyone, especially the one person I loved and trusted most in this world, ever conclude that cheating was a legitimate option.

In my case, in trying to fill in the voids of all the "whys" and "hows" I started to tell myself stories based on my imaginations and reasonings.

I told myself things like:

She mustn’t love me!
Her partner must be smarter than me!
He clearly must be a better lover than me!
And most undoubtably he must be more attractive than me!
My wife must secretly despise me! Maybe, even hate me!
I am a failure as a husband!
I am a failure of a man!
In the eyes of my wife, I have no value!
In my eyes I have no value!
I’ve been kicked to the curb!
I will never trust again!
I will never love or be loved again!

The list goes far beyond the few listed above. It all made perfect sense to me for if those things were not true, she would not have sought out the sexual affections of two other men.

For those who are unfamiliar with my situation I’ll keep it simple. This all happened 43 years ago and then again 33 years ago. Though my wife and I did reconcile to the point of having a very successful and loving marriage, those stories I told myself snuggled themselves dormant, into the creases of my mind. Then, without incident, a little less than a year ago, burst out of their lairs and crushed me.

Why now?

Because a new story formed that had not crossed my mind in previous years: My two children that I love with my entire being and raised to be kind, thoughtful and loving adults may not be genetically mine! (Either way, they will always be my kids.) But it still stung me to the core.

Okay, okay, I know, what is the point of this post? It is to say that all the previous stories I had made up and told myself as if true, have proven to be false. So, though extremely unfair, suffering cannot be avoided, but in my case, I suffered far deeper and longer than I needed to because of the stories I had told myself.

(The newest story, however, is the only one that I will never fully be confident that I know the truth. My only option is to accept what is, is. Even in the darkness of not knowing, I can live happily for I know either way my love for children will not suffer.)

So, to my point. My suggestion is to be as suspicious of the stories you might be telling yourself as you are suspicious of your wayward spouse. What I learned was that I got over the affairs decades ago but am only now working through and dismissing the stories I told myself.

Asterisk

Asterisk, my friend, please talk to your wife. I'm begging you. She is the key to all of these issues. I know you believe this is all on you to resolve on your own, that she doesn't want to talk about any of this, that you respect her silence, but it's eating you alive and it's painful to watch.

Talk to her.

Peace

Asterisk, I think that your feelings are normal given 2 aspects of the situation.

1st is, how can you be reassured by someone who tore you down? They are hard to believe and they don't carry the kind of authority for their opinion to matter enough anyway. That seems to be a common price to pay for staying with a cheater who's affair combined with their attitude was a serious attack on one's self esteem. I can attest that there is no easier fix then someone better then your cheater being obsessed with you. This is likely not a path for you, but nevertheless it's good to understand it. This is a sacrifice that you have made for her.

2nd you have a strong desire to shelter your wife and keep her on the pedestal, which is lovely and can make love life much richer, especially if it goes both ways, but also has some drawbacks, including your recognition of how deeply inadequate your wife was. I won't make a comprehensive list out of respect for your feelings (read 2nd point), but I think that objectively, if you go down that path of reasoning, you had more reasons to cheat then her. Everyone is capable of everything, no matter how much you want to see a halo around them. Some more assertiveness in thinking would help you to look from under the rose colored glasses, at least when needed. And this is something that you actually can learn. I don't believe it will heal you completely, but perhaps help you remain grounded when the dark thoughts hit.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 12:58 AM, Sunday, March 29th]