This is my first post on this site, I have only ever lurked, but I wanted to chime in from this perspective: I was 32 when I learned of my father’s infidelity. My sisters were also late-20s, early 30s. I’m 52 now.
Their situation was not quite the same as yours. My mother wanted to R, but Dad did not. He left her when his A was discovered, at the age of 60, for his AP. One similarity, based on your posts, is that like your WW’s AP, Dad’s AP ("DAP") is a horrendous person*. I’m pretty certain she has a BPD. Whatever AP’s reaction, I doubt he will behave any worse than DAP did. Nonetheless, I will still urge you to tell OBS.
Like most children, we wanted our parents to stay married. When that was no longer possible, we still wanted to maintain a relationship with him. He’s our Dad! Despite what came to light, which was actually quite shocking: he’d been a serial cheater. Among other things, at one time, his job got transferred (or should I write, ‘transferred’?) to another city. He would fly there Monday am and come home on Friday. Apparently while there he lived with a woman who reported to him. Of course we were appalled and disappointed, but the three of us were still willing to work on salvaging what we could.
He did not rise to the challenge. DAP was (and is) awful. I don’t want to t/j this with too much detail - though I’m happy to say more if people want to hear it - but among the things she did were: calling the police twice on my little sister (LS), falsely; trying to get one of my BIL’s fired; she figured LS’s email password and read her emails for 6 months; she had my mother deposed in her own divorce proceedings**. There’s more but I’m going on too long already. Dad stood by her in all of this. If I had to sum up why, it’s that they just simply could not and cannot accept that they’re the bad guys in all of this. "Why can’t everybody just be happy that they’re finally happy", and all that.
Will your WW’s AP go hammer and tongs like DAP? Who knows. What I can tell you is you shouldn’t fear it. We were put through a lot, but honestly it didn’t really affect us then and now it’s nothing more than a heckuva story. The whole thing brought me and my sisters and my mom closer together. Wouldn’t have been our druthers, but it did have that effect.
You asked what do you gain from it. I say you gain two things: (1), a measure of payback, which is nice; and (2) the satisfaction of doing the right thing. If AP goes off, I think you also stand to gain (3) the support of your children, which you might enjoy as it seems like you’re struggling through this alone, and I would bet your family would unite like mine did to repel his attacks, which makes (4). That’s what I think you gain.
As for the cost to me? DAP’s behavior was nothing other than the framework upon which to evaluate my father. I could have gotten past his As. He lost me when he didn’t stick up for me and my sisters in the aftermath. In these situations people’s true colors shine through. I’m only sorry that my dad didn’t act in accordance with the values he instilled in me. I’m sorry that he isn’t the man I thought he was.
So for me it comes down to, can your WW rise to the challenge? How will she handle it all? Because if she can step up, then I would bet you guys end up in a good place. If APs a bastard, it will give you an opportunity for an us-against-the-world moment.
Like others already said, I doubt he’ll out himself as a cheater on social media. But if you’re really worried about it, your wife could tell your kids et al. about her A beforehand. I know other truly remorseful waywards have done this as a way "owning it". It might even be right for her to do this regardless of whether you tell OBS.
My dad was a serial. If anyone had ever told my mom at any point along the way she could have had a chance at authentic love. He left her at 60, and she’s never met anyone else. She’s 80 now. She hasn’t been kissed on the lips in 20 years. Your WW’s AP could be cheating right now and setting OBS up for the same thing. I feel pretty strongly that you ought to tell her.
* When Dad and DAP were first publicly an item, an acquaintance came up to me, and said, Frankie, is it true your Dad is together with DAP? I said yeah. He said he knows her as they have served on the board of a community organization together for a couple of years. He said, "I need to warn you about her. She is - and I have to pick my words carefully here, because I still need to work with her - pure evil."
** DAP’s first attorney quit rather than doing this. Her second attorney did it but apologized to my mother and her lawyer afterwards.
[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 3:28 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]
