SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

the best way to end an affair is to expose it.

Find the wife. Do not tell your wife. Inform his wife of the affair gently with some specifics.

The husband of my husband's affair partner found about about the affair, didn't tell me, confronted both of them, they said the affair would end, blah, blah, blah, the affair continued. Had he told me everything would have stopped immediately, less heartache and destruction.

Twenty years later, I still resent him for trying to protect ME.

Just to add, my husband cheated with his co-worker when he traveled to her site.

Another thought: I insisted my husband leave that job. He did.

[This message edited by annb at 8:12 PM, Monday, August 24th]

There are a lot of tell the wife posts and that is the norm. The only question for you is the timing. If you called today and your gf gets fired tomorrow is that to your advantage financially? You are still going to have to unwind a lot of financial obligations. If that’s not an issue then go for it. Be prepared for all kinds of entrenchments and blame shifting when you do.

Quick Update:

Thanks again for all the support.

I know it won’t do me any good to drown my sorrows and I need to think clearly. It hit home when someone said "she isn’t going to care if you drown." And I know nobody is coming to save me.

It’s been about 3 days since my last drink and about 10 days since the truth came out.

I’m still in shock and have just been in survival mode. I haven’t been able to process what has happened because I’m busy trying to figure out my day to day; meals, where I’m going to sleep, do laundry etc.

She’s been messaging daily. Sometimes with seemingly sincere gestures:

Her:
"Would you be open to seeing a professional counselor together to talk through everything? I don't want you to be alone with this and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to support you. I don't deserve anything from you, but I would do anything to start earning your trust back if you can find it in your heart.
I'm sorry for shattering your world, you don't deserve the way I treated you. This past week has opened my eyes to a lot and I'm sorry it took all this trauma to see how delusional I've been.
I don't have any good answers for how I acted but if you're open to going to a therapist together maybe someone can help guide us through that and I want to be open and honest without causing you any more trauma, Please consider it"

And while I was JUST typing this she just texted me:
"Are you having a nice night?"

-Like wtf do you think?!!!

Then more messages came through… small talk chit chat. She told me she had a busy day blah, blah. She’s sending me pictures of her mom, and family. -Like everything is ok?!

Meanwhile, I know I have to check out of my hotel tomorrow or pay ANOTHER $150/nt or use more hotel points from her "fuck trips."

She’s heading on another work trip for the week. I plan to head to the house after work, at least for a couple nights, maybe more if I can stomach it to save some cash & points.

It’s hard to imagine getting over her or even imagining my life without her though, while sleeping in our bed, looking at our stuff, smelling her clothes. I need a fresh, clean break. Or total separation from her for a while to even wrap my head around what has happened and to even picture myself moving on or learning to live alone again.

I’m frantically looking for apartments but can’t find anything reasonably priced that isn’t depressing as hell and I’m afraid I’ll just slip into a dark place if I don’t have a place with some natural light, away from the freeway etc.
Hoping to find a short term, furnished rental but seems impossible to find.

I have a zoom meeting with a therapist on wednesday. It’s only an hour and I know they won’t solve all my problems but it can’t come soon enough. I really don’t have anyone to talk to at all and I have to get out of my head. I think I’ve actually been mumbling to myself out loud in public

I’m mostly convinced I’m going to tell his wife. Just waiting until I’m "stabilized." I found her online today and even their home address. Oh, and according to the internet search, he’s 65. WTF

I’m glad you are doing somewhat better. Keep it up.

Her therapy talk is interesting in that it reads like you are the one she thinks needs it more. She is willing to do anything, except volunteering to quit and leave the OM. Kinda says it all huh?

Oh. If you do move in before she takes off, do not under any circumstances sleep with her no matter what she says or does. You need time and that will only confuse things more.

Finally, if she is staying with her mom anyway, why doesn’t she move out and let you stop spending on hotels.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 3:37 AM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Do you think you could get her to agree to move out of your house? I know it’s hard when it’s "our bed" and all that, but if you can’t find somewhere else, if she’s truly remorseful she could move out and give you that space. Not perfect, but better than hotels isn’t it?

Nobody here thinks couples counseling is a good solution for your situation. She ought to be in IC figuring out her "answers" for how she acted. Here we call them "whys", as in why she did what she did, why she gave her permission to cheat, why she chose to annihilate your relationship and your heart. She should figure that out before you sit with a counselor trying to understand your relationship.

If you need a clean break, tell her that. Tell her that you don’t want to hear about her day, or how her mom is doing, or that she’s thinking about you. Tell her that you need some time to recover and that it’d help you if she moved out of the house and left you alone for a period of time. How she handles that will be informative, don’t you agree? After all, she’s willing to do anything to support you, she said so herself.

Really glad you put the booze away.

There is no reason not to tell the OBS. I think I said this earlier, but your WGF isn’t all that exposed. AP is though. Bosses that sleep with subordinates are vulnerable. They want to fire her, they have a sexual harassment lawsuit to deal with.

Your pain is screaming through the screen, and we hear you brother.

OP, post #5:

I said; "I haven’t even had time too process what happened because now I’m homeless, living in hotels, spending all of my money just trying to survive the consequences of your choices.

I have a thousand problems to deal with right now because of what you’ve done."

She offered to help pay for some of the hotel, (she has a ton of hotel points because of her "fuck trips.")

As hard as it was to do, I reluctantly agreed. I had a moment of "why not use her, like she used me" kind of thing. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not. Hard to swallow my pride but she has a huge support system and plenty of money & points.

She absolutely should pay for your hotels. ALL of it as far as I am concerned in fact.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by removing yourself from her presence and making yourself scarce. All too many BHs try for R way too soon. You see, there is nothing to talk about with your WW now--it was not you who cheated and it sure as hell was not the marriage's fault either.

Please please take care of yourself physically. And for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE, STAY AWAY from alcohol and weed. Physical exercise including heavy compound weights is also a great prescription.

Meanwhile, yeah, AP's wife needs to know so she can have agency. This is about her own life too.

You'll get through this. You have friends here indeed man.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:06 AM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Plaidbartender- Heartbreaking story - tears when I read it last night. I hope you cash that check that she gave you, sell the place that you just bought, to start your new life somewhere else. Leave it all behind. A brand new clean start wherever you want. You've had your alcohol binge, your time away from her. Now is the time to regroup and make a decision and plan to make the rest of your life better. She isn't offering you that and she can't be trusted if she did offer that. You can trust yourself to offer yourself that. It is time to act and refuse to be a doormat any longer. I hope and pray that you get away from her. A real estate agent can help you sell your property, and you don't even have to be there for that. The place that I bought after my divorce - the seller wasn't in the same room at our closing (he was hours away). Your best life is not with this woman. You've made it this far. You can be happy again. Plan your new life, where, when, how. Keep posting. We're all here for you.

This:

Finally, if she is staying with her mom anyway, why doesn’t she move out and let you stop spending on hotels

I’m mostly convinced I’m going to tell his wife.

There is no better thing you could do RIGHT NOW to help your situation. What fear stops you from doing this?

"There is no better thing you could do RIGHT NOW to help your situation. What fear stops you from doing this?"

-Not sure how it could help my situation AT ALL. What makes you say that??

And I definitely have some fears (I know he has guns) but that's not what's stopping me. I just have to make myself a priority first and find another place to sleep tonight. I just found out where they live and I'm working up the balls to make a visit, I guess.

There isn’t anything to work up. You worry just about yourself tonight once you get situated. Seriously, it’ll take probably a year for the divorce. Lay down, focus on one thing in your room for as long as possible. Look at ten items in your room and say what they are out loud. Why? You’re going to make an emotional decision at a time that your name badge should read ‘Mr Strategy’.

Tomorrow you’ll have tons of advice from thousands of people who are all in the same unfortunate club that you belong. It’s not a horrible place. I mean….I’m a pretty damn happy person but I wasn’t always that way.