SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess I just need to vent, but I could really use some words of encouragement.
My husband cheated on me October 4th of last year. Showed no interest in reconciling and within a week was living at his AP’s house. We’d been together 8 years, married for one and had a 15 month old son. I filed for divorce about a month after I found out.
To say it’s been a nightmare every day since, would be an understatement. First he didn’t come around, barely saw our son, didn’t even really talk to me which was honestly better than how it is now.
Him and AP broke up about 2 months after he told me (she got drunk and physically assaulted him). He bought me out of our house because I couldn’t afford the bills on my own. I had to move in with my parents until I can find another place, so he kept the dogs and almost everything in the house because I have nowhere to put it. He switches between bullying/blaming me and begging for me back, which is just an emotional roller coaster. And now he wants 50/50 custody of our son too. I feel like I’ve lost everything. I genuinely hate my life. My hair is falling out, I can’t sleep, panic attacks, crying all the time, you name it.
It’s been 7 months. I thought I’d be kind of farther along in the healing process by now but I feel like I’m just getting worse. Mother’s Day was especially triggering for me. How long did it take you to feel okay afterward? Was anything helpful in your healing journey?

You need help. And 6 months is still fairly early, I’m afraid. At six months I was still struggling.

Are you working with a lawyer? Make sure you are getting everything you are legally entitled to.

Are you in IC? Who beside your parents are you talking to? You need outlets. If getting to an IC is hard, try an online one and look for someone who is trauma informed. This really is a trauma, as you are experiencing. Totally sucks. I

Have you talked to your doctor? I needed to go on anti-anxiety meds for about 12-16 months after DDAY to just handle the day to day. I was mess, even lost my job. See your doctor and tell them what is going on. No prize for getting through without help.

Go NC/LC with your STXWS (soon to be ex WS). use an App or only texting to communicate as much as possible and keep it to child care and legal/logistics related things. Not about how you feel or how he feels. Research about the gray rock method and present as uninterested to him as possible. You need that space to give your brain room to breathe reduce the triggering every time you talk to him.

The good news is this will end. You WILL feel better, your hair will grow back, life will be sunnier again. For now, take care of yourself with exercise, healthy food, sleep, and healthy coping. Journal, meditate, yoga, cardio - all will help. See your doc about the anxiety.

Stop trying to talk to him. Every single interaction you have with him puts you right back into the pain. You need to get him out of your life as much as possible. Even having him with your child half time you can let your parents do the exchange instead of you so that you do not have to interact with him. He is being a bully and you are letting him. As soon as you take back the power in your own life the better. You are letting him control the narrative. You’re letting him control your emotions. You’re letting him control your life. Stop it right now. Get yourself to a doctor and get some medicine for anxiety and something to sleep. If you’re having trouble eating, find one of those liquid drinks and have one available all day. Get out and exercise if it’s only walking around the block. I’m going to repeat myself stop having any interactions with him. Someone else can take over for you and let you rest.

7 months is still pretty early in the journey, I'm sorry to say. The emotional rollercoaster will likely go on for another year or two, especially if you're still having stressful conversations with him. There's no quick way out but to go through it, but BearlyBreathing and Cooley are giving you sound advice.

It is all super unfair and especially tough with a 15 month old! What is your lawyer saying about custody, and where are you in the divorce process? My stress levels went way down after we got the signed court orders back. Until then, there's so much uncertainty that it's hard to stop thinking about it all.

Definitely get yourself to a good, trauma-informed therapist and try to have sessions every week for a while.

When he tries to bully or beg, remember that you cannot believe any of his words. Don't argue with him. Don't try to defend your actions. If you refuse to engage, he'll get more intense, but eventually he will get used to the idea. And don't be surprised if he starts dating someone a lot sooner than you expect.

You need to be careful here as you have a child.

Is he paying at least child support? If not, get a court order immediately for that. Alimony may not kick in until you are D, but meet with your attorney to get something for now, at least temporarily.

You now need to co-parent with him. And based on what you posted, it will not be easy.

This is why you now need an attorney. And possible legal agreements and/or court orders.

You want to prevent him from moving and taking the child. You want to prevent him from dragging you to court every time you disagree with him. Which is why you need an attorney. ASAP.

Not trying to scare you — just trying to prepare you.

I also agree that you need to stop talking to him. He can text you — and you can choose to respond or not.

Honestly his hot & cold behavior - suddenly moving out, demanding attention etc makes it sound like he is on drugs or drinking or has some mental health issues.

Your role right now is to protect your child. I know this is hard. I was in your shoes as well — my H was kicking me to the curb two weeks after Dday to be with the Other Woman ((OW).

Get yourself some counseling as well. It will help you save your sanity. It will provide you with support and guidance. Read up on the 180 - where you are not his wife any longer and he no longer calls the shots.

As a friend — I would suggest you NOT reconcile with him right now. He has NO reason to blame you for anything and I fear you will be further punished or victimized by him. A toddler doesn’t need to be exposed to that situation either.

Please keep posting here - you will get great support. Please continue to check in so we can support you. We care!