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But yeah, one thing I'm not doing is telling her or acting like R is a done deal. I'm using phrases like, "whatever ends up happening with us," or "I'm not sure where we'll be a year or 2 from now, but I'm hoping for the best..." She knows D is still on the table if I get the wrong signals or decide this is something I can't get over. She knows I'm on board with R, but she also knows it's very conditional, and that we're not out of the woods yet. I love her still, I really do, and she knows it. I know she still loves me, too, but she also knows there are some non negotiable deal breakers that I won't tolerate.

It's only been 2 full months (to the day now), about 9 weeks since d day. All of the signs seem to be pointing in the right direction for R, but I know we're still so early into it. From many of the stories I've seen here, tho, she's behaving and reacting a lot better than many wayward spouses tend to. So I'm cautiously optimistic, but I'm not letting my guard down.

The good news, depending on one's perspective, is you'll not ever let your guard down again. My R is in year nine, and the proverbial tripwires are all still set up on the perimeter.

I'm certain if I left and started over in a new relationship, my guard will still be very up.

And not in a PTSD way anymore, I think anyone who is betrayed rewires some things for future survival. Most of us only need fire to burn us once to understand a safer distance.

My wife's consistent actions over years now, have earned her trust, not 100 percent blind trust, since 100 percent blind trust hasn't ever worked for anyone here at SI. Constant actions will take you a while to believe, which they should.

You sound plenty self-aware, and that you will be great (eventually) regardless of the path you end up on.

My wife has been very kind since dday, but it does sound like your wife has a faster learning curve (so far) than mine did. Mine held on to some positive aspects of the A for a bit, and realized there wasn't any 'there' there once she replayed it back to her IC.

Once the shock of all this is processed, there are some normal stages yet for you to push through but again, you seem to have a handle on protecting yourself going forward.

Healing is a ways down the road, keep your head on a swivel until then.

Seems to me you have the right attitude and positions for where you are at right now.

since 100 percent blind trust hasn't ever worked for anyone here at SI.

Heh. No shit, huh?

Once the shock of all this is processed, there are some normal stages yet for you to push through but again, you seem to have a handle on protecting yourself going forward.

I'm curious what some of those normal stages are? The shock is starting to wear off and the realization this has actually happeened really is starting to sink in. One thing that's still going strong is the hysterical bonding. Neither of us are really slowing down there, and we've managed to string a couple of days together without any meltdowns or sullenness. Her attitude with this is very helpful. I can only hope it stays this way.

Yesterday we were listening to the audio book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and she was describing an affair in excruciating detail. The steps involved, how it all happened, and the feelings of both APs before, during, and after the act. My wife just looked at me, buried her head in my lap, broke down in tears, and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" as the story unfolded toward the conclusion. Needless to say she had to take a break from the book.

She really did not think this through at all. I know most of them don't, but in her case it's enhanced by her disability. She greatly underestimated the impact this would have, the real consequences involved, and the seriousness of it is really starting to sink in now. I truly believe she deeply regrets it, and I'm even starting to believe that something like this won't ever happen again. I said in my first post here that our situation might be an outlier, and I still think it might be. My wife really isn't like most others. I'm not letting my guard down, but I am starting to have some wisps of trust creeping back in. Tho the ptsd from the trauma isn't giving me much of a break. She really, really does seem to be very committed and in love with me all over again and she's been very contrite. Again tho, I thought I knew her before, too, and it still happened. So yeah... no 100% blind trust anymore.

I'm curious what some of those normal stages are?

I do think we all heal different and at a different pace, but some of the processing it all included an anger phase, a few months of near clinical depression and then what the the call POLF, Plains of Lethal Flatness, when the emotional roller coaster goes numb, and it is hard to feel much of anything, one way or another.

I really, really needed my anger phase, it just helped me process the unfairness of it all.

We say how unfair it is from the jump, but I didn't really PROCESS that until 7-8 months in. No harm to me or others, but I had to replace some furniture after a rough day.

Healthier to vent it out here or IC, yet again, I kind of enjoyed my mini-rampage.

I also hit the gym, and got in great shape for an old guy, hehe.

Anyway, you'll feel the feels as needed and again, everyone makes it to the other side of the pain and anger, regardless of the path we take.

She greatly underestimated the impact this would have, the real consequences involved, and the seriousness of it is really starting to sink in now.

This is in no way trying to sound like a red-pilled alpha, but before infidelity entered my life, I always kind-of thought that if I ever cheated on my wife, that she would probably be mad and upset, but I doubted that she would leave me. I figured that cheating would be a pretty shitty thing to do, but it isn't the worst thing in the world.

Ouch--what a terribly, horribly, grossly underestimated and delusional mindset that had been. How could I have been THAT far off base with a train of thought like that? After all, we see, read and hear about it all the time. How bad could it really be? A long-time poster here has often said that when she looks back on the advice that she gave out to friends/relatives who had been cheated on before she had personal experience is summed up in one word--cringeworthy. We just can't relate until we experience it ourselves.

I always kind-of thought that if I ever cheated on my wife, that she would probably be mad and upset, but I doubted that she would leave me. I figured that cheating would be a pretty shitty thing to do, but it isn't the worst thing in the world.

I haven't thought about it, but you know... I'd have probably said the same thing. Tho until you go through it, you don't realize it is one of the worst things in the world. Especially after a couple of decades of more or less complete blind trust.

We just can't relate until we experience it ourselves.

Yeah, I suppose that does go for both sides of the coin doesn't it? I've done a lot of reading up on the fog, listening to the audio version of "Not Just Friends" with my WW, and have learned there's a lot of hand waving, justifying, and excitement from just being involved in it to begin with that goes on in the mind of a cheater.

I know if my wife hadn't snapped out of it when she did our story would be going a lot differently right now. I wasn't sticking around if she was going to try to juggle a "just friends" relationship with her AP and try to stay married to me at the same time. That's one scenario that would have been intolerable to me.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:14 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]

It’s important I think at this stage to keep a cynical mind. You don’t have to vocalize it, although you can.
She’s doing the love bombing right now. That’s great and all, but watch where that is 6 months from now, or a year.

It’s important I think at this stage to keep a cynical mind. You don’t have to vocalize it, although you can.
She’s doing the love bombing right now. That’s great and all, but watch where that is 6 months from now, or a year.

That's where I'm at right now. "How long is this going to last?"

The positive thing about that is, she was like this for the first 20 or so odd years of our marriage. She's just always naturally been love-bomby. Tho it has been turned up a notch for the last couple of months, she's never been hesitant or shy about telling me she loves me every day, wanting to hold hands, lots of physical contact, and lots of sex. So this isn't that far out of bounds for her normal self. She's always had a great capacity for tirelessly showing me lots of love. I'm the one who withdrew and shut down for a long time. I think if any cold water gets tossed on this it'd more likely be me before her, and I've no intentions of doing that. I totally took her for granted, and I'm not doing that ever again. As it is we're both just soaking it up right now, and I really like where we're at with these good parts.

I am remaining skeptical, but not quite all the way into cynicism. I'm hopeful, but not letting my guard down. I just dropped her off to hang out with her friends at the hairdresser's and I'm already having those paranoid ptsd thoughts. I know where she's at tho. It's a normal thing she usually does every week, she hasn't been doing it as often lately, and she's right down the street. So I'm going to just resist the urge to drive back there and hide down the aisle in the adjacent store to keep an eye on her...