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Reconciliation :
Wedding Anniversary...trigger or not

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 Bos491233 (original poster new member #86116) posted at 2:42 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025

Has anyone experienced being triggered by their wedding anniversary? I told my wife early on during the most angry part of this process that basically that day was meaningless now. I tossed my wedding band into a lake saying it didn't represent what she had promised that day. To her credit, shortly thereafter she arranged to have a jeweler friend of ours let us make our own new bands which I thought was a big step in showing empathy. Every year since Dday, the anniversary just brings up memories of how the vows were broken, how she very likely was intimate with him days around our anniversary for at least 1 year if not more so the day truly has lost its meaning to me. Visualizing them being intimate and then us being out to dinner for our anniversary days later gets the blood pressure cranked way up. My WW obviously struggles with this (trust me, I'm not sympathizing, just stating facts). I think it's a day she'd still like to "celebrate" but honestly the last few have really not brought me much joy. I've shared this with her and explained the day just makes me kind of depressed. Unfortunately the Xmas holiday turned into this as well but there are many distractions and family around which makes that better. Dday in both cases (1 affair just trickle truthed resulting in 2 Ddays) was days within Xmas. Anyone else dealt with this and what mechanisms have you used to cope with it?

posts: 25   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2025   ·   location: ohio
id 8874125
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 3:42 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025

Yes for sure have dealt with this. It can change over time has been my experience. We used to still celebrate it and for some reason that felt okay to me. But in the last couple of years I no longer want to celebrate it. I prefer for him to be around, available, not working, in case I have any feelings I want or need to share. We might go out to dinner just so no one has to cook. But I no longer want it to be a celebration. It is now more like a day of reflection. I wouldn’t be surprised if that also changes with time again.

posts: 500   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8874128
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 4:04 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025

Every year since Dday, the anniversary just brings up memories of how the vows were broken, how she very likely was intimate with him days around our anniversary for at least 1 year if not more

This sounds like you don’t fully know all that transpired. Is that something you’ve chosen, or is she not being fully forthcoming? Complete disclosure is a pillar of R, so no intimacy (by way of shared secret intimate details) can remain btw her & AP.

posts: 631   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8874133
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Possumlover ( member #85336) posted at 5:24 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025

ABSOLUTELY! I still won’t "celebrate" our anniversary. It just doesn’t mean the same thing as it used to, and I’m not sure it ever will. He broke our wedding vows, so I take that as breaking our marriage. While I’m still married, I’m not married in the same way. Assuming I continue to stay married, not sure yet. The other trigger for me is DD, coming up in a few days. Hate it. As are other gift-giving holidays. Holidays suck for me now. Wish they would all go away! laugh

You’re not alone, while I don’t have great advice, I can only offer, do what makes sense and feels right to you. Don’t force a fake celebration. I have also requested no gift giving for any holidays (Christmas, V-Day, Mothers Day). As for our anniversary, I don’t want to do anything, if it happens to be a non-work day where we can go somewhere, paddleboarding or hiking (something we do often anyway) I’m okay with it, but it’s not going to be a "celebration" per say. IMO, you get to call the shots on this one.

Best of luck!

DD 8/7/22
Together since 1990
Married in 1997
2 amazing sons

posts: 74   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2024   ·   location: the PNW
id 8874142
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PurpleMoxie ( new member #86385) posted at 7:47 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025

The anniversary does tend to be a difficult time for me. Dday 1 was only a few days after our anniversary, and I had a feeling that something was off when we spent the day together. Even before Dday, anniversaries had an association for me with hurtful behavior from him.

Now, I don't want to make a big deal of the day. It really doesn't mean what it used to mean. No one in our lives knows about his cheating, so I do have to deal with well wishes and compliments on what a great marriage people think we have. We don't do big celebrations. I don't want him doing his gushing posts on social media. I have no desire to do a big party for our upcoming milestone anniversary. I'm still figuring out what, if anything, the day even signifies anymore.

However, even though I don't want a big deal made, I don't mind an outing with a meal out. The day might have sucky associations for me, but I will never turn down the opportunity to avoid cooking and kitchen clean-up. I just treat it like a regular random date day/night.

New profile. Previous, but not very active, member.

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2025   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8874158
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:26 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025

My wife’s LTA went from EA to PA about two weeks after our anniversary. Four plus years later AP dumped her, then tried to restart it all two years later around the same exact time of year. My wife told him no for the very first time on his attempt to restart.

Anyway, I get it. Our anniversary month is also her b-day month. It’s a fairly tough reminder, even as healed as we are now.

The first anniversary or two after dday were uphill and we kept it very low key.

My take today is, I’ve always held up my end of the deal, and I always operated with the best info I had at the time.

So, now we do celebrate what we have overcome.

We celebrate the work we’ve done to stay together.

We don’t pretend the A didn’t happen, we just know most couples don’t make it this far after one partner hurts the other.

Now the anniversary is a reminder of the good AND bad times, with a focus on how much better we are now at the whole relationship thing.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4917   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8874164
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WB1340 ( member #85086) posted at 10:50 AM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2025

I know exactly how you feel. In September of 2023 I came home and found this huge happy 20th anniversary display on our front lawn. I called my wife who was still at work and I said this is impressive or something to that effect

April 4th 2024, just months later, I find out that she is sexting with a coworker. When I confronted her and asked how long has it been going on she said I don't know I don't remember so I had to push and push and she said sometime back in the winter. So she started talking to him right after our 20th anniversary :/

When our 21st was coming around I told her I have no desire to celebrate an anniversary. She did not like that answer and we discussed it with our MC and the MC said how much of your relationship do you want to let the affair taint

To be honest it did make me stop and think. I know we did something but honestly right now I can't remember what it was

My advice is that if you do not want to celebrate it then don't. Faking happiness just for the sake of the other just isn't worth it in my opinion

D-day April 4th 2024. WW was sexting with a married male coworker. Started R a week later, still ongoing...

posts: 180   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2024
id 8874204
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Preacher ( new member #82852) posted at 12:03 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2025

Sunday, January 22, 2023 my wife confessed to some intrusive sexual thoughts about another man. I wasn’t overly concerned as I figured most everyone fantasizes from time to time. After a couple days of questioning from me & trickle truth from her I finally arrived at the traumatic conclusion that she was in a deep EA with the man (healthcare provider that I had warned her had feelings for her prior to Dday). We went on a getaway trip for our 30th anniversary in August of the same year, & I was beginning to feel a little hopeful in R as we enjoyed some good moments together, but every time we kissed, cuddled or were intimate it turns out she was still thinking about him (at least she was being honest finally). This "affair fog" would continue into 2024…

Even though my wife is ashamed and remorseful, I cannot bring myself to celebrate our wedding anniversary any longer… it is simply too triggering & painful to remember how she broke her vows pursuing after AP’s attention & affection. I sometimes feel guilty about not celebrating the wonderful marriage we HAD for 29 years, but then I remember that it was her selfish choices that blew all that up…

posts: 17   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: Deep South
id 8874206
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ZetaCephei ( member #79378) posted at 1:29 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2025

Dday-1 was a day after our 19th anniversary. On our 10th he was knee deep in an EA and started fucking AP1 5 days later. And on the very same day 9 years later, he fucked her for the last time (yes, 5 days after Dday1, she came to his office in a very short dress and tried to convince him to continue the affair and the idiot took the chance).

So no, I do not celebrate our anniversary. The day means nothing to me. The days around it are actually very difficult for me still, 4 years after dday. We are doing pretty OK for the level of trauma he caused me, but I don't think that will ever completely go away and I don't think I will ever really want to celebrate. He still does, so he organizes something every year, but I don't view it as a celebration, no gifts, no happy anniversary from my side. I go along with it, trying to have as much fun as possible. I use it as an attempt to distract me from the mind movies and rumination. We went to a spa resort this year and it was OK, a nice weekend away. But nothing more sad .

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 1:30 PM, Tuesday, August 5th]

Me: BW, 45 at DDAy -- Him: WH, 45 at DDay -- 2 LTAs (2012-2021 and 2016-2021) + 4 ONS -- Dday1: July 2021 -- Dday2: September 2021 -- Just want to be happy again

posts: 112   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Europe
id 8874213
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lizziej ( member #55651) posted at 7:15 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2025

Weirdly I was OK with celebrating our 37th anniversary just days after a horrific discovery of a interactive video with a Facebook "friend" aka scammer who tried to sextort him. BUT 2 months later when I found out about the 25 yr history of hidden porn abuse I absolutely shredded the picture of us from our mantelpiece of our vows renewal along with the printed vows from 2017 as well as my sexy lingerie from then and threw it in his face. The breaking of the renewal vows hit me harder as I thought he knew the pain he had caused, turns out he didn't really.

If healing continues to go well we will renew our vows on our 40th anniversary of the day we met. Not our wedding anniversary and not the vow renewal date then we will celebrate that day. So far its as good as can be expected, but I remain optimistic but cautious.

The innapropriate behaviour all makes sense now, he was a porn abuser off and on for 25 yrs. D-day1 2002 or 4 (rugswept dating profile) same in 2010. 2011-14 innappropriate messaging, active profiles seeking nsa sex. R (?) 2014-18. Started again maybe 23

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2016
id 8874241
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2025

He planned our 25th anniversary celebration.

All while cheating.

Ruined the day for years.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14843   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8874255
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 3:23 AM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2025

When our 21st was coming around I told her I have no desire to celebrate an anniversary. She did not like that answer and we discussed it with our MC and the MC said how much of your relationship do you want to let the affair taint

I would have fired the MC over this comment. Of course, I fired ours for other stupid comments, so it was probably inevitable.

This reads like it was aimed at YOU the BS. I’m not "letting" the affair taint shit. That’s ALL my cheating wife’s doing.

To answer the question, my wife cheated before our first anniversary and was in active affairs on or around the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 14th, 15th, 19th & 20th. She "bonded" with her final AP after sharing both their recent 20th Anniversaries within days of each other. But most of all, the date is tainted because that was the day we said the vows she constantly broke. It’s the day I threw my life away. I will never celebrate that day again. She is struggling with that and continues to buy me cards and say Happy Anniversary (after I explicitly asked to ignore the day). Hopefully, after not opening the card and rolling my eyes and walking away when she said "Happy Anniversary" this year, she knows I am serious.

I also put my wedding ring away. I wear a $7 rubber one to show I am "married on paper" at least. And that is about the value I place on the "marriage" at this point.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:47 PM, Wednesday, August 6th]

Me: BH (62)

Her: WW (62)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 218   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8874266
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PurpleMoxie ( new member #86385) posted at 5:43 AM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2025

lizziej - I have also been thinking about doing our celebrating and commemorating on the anniversary of the day we met. It's a date that I can feel confident was real and authentic between us. He suggested a vow renewal a few years ago, but I declined. That turned out to be the right move because I just recently learned that the betrayals were worse than he had previously admitted to. Those vows would also have become worthless. If I ever do get to a point where I think I can trust new vows, I like the idea of doing it on the date we met.

[This message edited by PurpleMoxie at 5:46 AM, Wednesday, August 6th]

New profile. Previous, but not very active, member.

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2025   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8874276
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 Bos491233 (original poster new member #86116) posted at 1:51 PM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2025

Thanks all. It's just this constant stream of triggering BS. Last night out with my wife and daughter and my daughter starts talking about someone she knows who had a dream their SO was having an affair. My WW was sitting their with us and of course you can feel the tension tighten up immediately. She tried to change the subject for me and it took a few minutes to make it happen but you just can't get away from it. So you get the doom of the anniversary that you're not interested in celebrating followed by your unknowing child harmlessly bringing up a dream someone had about an affair. You can't hide from this shit. You can tell my spouse just wants to crawl underneath a rock every time something like this happens. 3 years ago I would have said good, you deserve it but now that we're in the midst of R, it's more just a feeling of melancholy about the whole deal....it just makes me question whether this is even worth it? She's doing the work, it's just managing through this stuff that's now out of our control that was previously harmless (mention of an affair in conversation) or a positive thing (our anniversary).

posts: 25   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2025   ·   location: ohio
id 8874288
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 2:17 PM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2025

She's doing the work

Does withholding full disclosure count as ‘doing the work’ ?

You have every right to ask her not to share, if that’s what you want. Your comments above would indicate otherwise…..

posts: 631   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8874292
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OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 4:38 PM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2025

Not really a trigger for me, but not a day to remember or celebrate either. It’s just another day here. I think it might be a triggering day for HIM as he feels sad that it means nothing to me. I kind of like to acknowledge D day as it was the day he became faithful again . 🤷‍♀️the parts of the marriage that he was cheating were still part of our marriage, I just don’t feel like they deserve a celebration.

posts: 305   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: SW USA
id 8874307
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