SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, no fear of this being put on me. If it goes that way I am done, but that doesn't align with the material this guy puts out.

MC starting on d-day was a great help to us. That was because our MC (who was my W's IC, which is how we got time with her on d-day) did NOT indicate in any way that our M or I caused my W's A. Our MC sessions were all about the A all the time until I was done talking about it. Then the sessions were only about the A when I brought it up. Most of the sessions were about how my W fucked up and what she needed to do to keep doing the right things in the future.

So if your MC asks your W why she cheated and knocks down her reasons, MC can help. If your MC tells your W she's responsible for her choices, MC can help.

*****

The more I think about it, the less I want to rely on WS for healing. She wants to repair things, so that's nice but the more I process this, the more I see a need for self sufficiency. Why set my hopes on such a shaky foundation?

Good insight. Your W simply can't heal you. The only help she can give you is emotional support. You are responsible for healing yourself.

You do that by resolving your feelings - anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. - and letting them go. A good IC can help you do that.

It's a lot easier to say than to do. Trauma is awful in many ways, especially in the way that today's trauma can bring back memories of every other trauma you've experienced. No matter how charmed your life might have been up to now, your brain probably has memories of events it (your brain) decided was traumatic.

You'll probably find one feeling more comfortable than others. You'll have to work through that feeling in order to get to the others. Then you'll have to get through the other feelings.

And none of this is linear - you'll think you're going in circles, and you may be.

But resolving the feelings is eminently doable, and each feeling you resolve frees your energy to resolve others. Each feeling you resolve also clears your mind so you can think straighter and perceive reality with more accuracy.

*****

I understand you don't know much that's useful right now. Being betrayed - any trauma - is disorienting, and the bigger the trauma, the more the disorientation.

My reco is to let your emotions flow and to ride the waves. Aim to figure out what you want. It's entirely possible that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with your W. That probably makes D your better choice.

If you're uncertain, or if you want R, my reco is to think about how you will know if R is working or not. What indicators will tell you how R is proceeding?

Those indicators can be turned into your requirements for R. Share them with your W. If she signs on or negotiates a different requirement that looks good to you, R can start. If she won't sign on, R probably won't work.

The thing is: the requirements need to be observable and measurable. If your W steps up, great. If she fails but corrects her course when she monitors her behavior against the requirements, great. Both are positive for R. If she doesn't step up and/or correct course, great - that's positive for D.

If you keep wanting R, great. If you decide down the line you want D, even if your W is exceeding requirements, great.

Common requirements are: No Contact, total honesty/no more lies about anything, IC for WS with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner, you have total access to all her media, MC if one of you wants it.

Just to make it explicit: I hope you go for the optimal resolution for you - but you have to find your own path from this devastation to a good life. I can't know if that's D or R at this point; maybe you can't, either. But you can hold your head high either way, if you make mindful choices.

*****

It looks like you have faith in yourself. That's a great start. When you fall into self-doubt, remind yourself you can survive and thrive whether you D or R. When you feel weak, remind yourself that healing is DIFFICULT, and focusing on healing takes strength whether you feel strong or not..

And BE PATIENT. Recovery is a marathon , not a sprint. Think 2-5 years to recover. You may heal sooner; healing may take longer. If you choose R, you may R in 2-5 years or sooner or later or not at all.

But 2-5 years is a good rule of thumb, as long as you remember it's just a rule of thumb.

But never forget:

1) You heal you. Your WS may help (or hinder) your healing, but the responsibility is yours, and only you can do the necessary work.

2) Your WS heals themself. You may help (or hinder) their healing, but the responsibility is theirs, and only they can do the necessary work.

3) If you both want to rebuild your M, you can do it. You can even heal your M while you're heaing yourselves.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:21 PM, Friday, October 3rd]

I pushed for MC immediately because I didn't know any better. In one of our first few sessions we were talking about the conversation my wife and I had in my truck the day I confronted her. The reason I held the conversation in the truck is so that we had privacy and the kids would not hear

The MC asked my wife how she felt in the truck and she said trapped, scared, unsafe, and I shot back immediately with you were never unsafe. I wasn't yelling I wasn't screaming I wasn't out of control.

I said she wasn't locked in the truck. I never touched her. I never threatened her so I have no idea where this so-called feeling unsafe is coming from. Her saying she felt unsafe was a BS excuse in my opinion, she was looking for sympathy from the MC

The MC turned to me and said do you feel like you should apologize and I said no and she said but your wife is telling you she felt unsafe and I said okay? She was never unsafe, and again the MC pushed me to apologize and I said no. She said could you have held the conversation somewhere else where your wife would have felt safer and I said I don't know, ask my wife. I chose the truck so we would have privacy

Now the MC was getting irritated and again she pushed me to apologize and I said I will not apologize because I didn't do anything wrong

Skip the MC for several months until you think you want to save the marriage

OP - do you really want to stay married to this woman? I can understand practical reasons like the kids or money, but....do you REALLY want to stay married to this woman? Would you marry her again knowing she could do this? If you didn't have kids, would you stay with her? Yes? Because you love her? Well....what does that love mean? WHY? I think a lot of times we're just afraid of being alone, of rocking the boat, of hurting the kids, and we end up hurting ourselves.

It sounds like she is still wrapped up in the boss to some extent - and that he is still pursuing her (if I read you correctly) is very disturbing. She should have block on all fronts, and she should not be in that job either, if she still is. If someone values their marriage they have to do what ever they can to preserve and strengthen it. That does not include horny bosses.

It's not clear to me from your post but if she's also cheated with someone else....then I don't really know if she's marriage material. I'd say no. She should at least be trying to be faithful and it doesn't sound like she's trying very hard and it doesn't sound like you're the Man of Her Dreams....or she's even pretending that. Sometimes people marry or stay married because they know someone is safe or productive or predictable, etc, and maybe that's the case with her and then she runs around with some bad boy loser type or the one she views as the "powerful guy". What it comes down to is a profound lack of respect and desire for you. If she had those things.....she wouldn't cheat like this. She just wouldn't. This woman is not in love with you. Whether you can be in a marriage with that or not, you have to figure out for yourself. I wouldn't want this to be me. But it's very common. I think especially for women who cheat. So....I would consider a divorce, that's my usual answer to these situations because I think it IS the best solution....someone who cheats like this is not in love with you. She'll lie to you about that sure, but the behavior is what matters. Can she fall in love with you? I don't know, if it ain't there now, probably not. People want to say it's all psychological problems, etc, but Juliet didn't cheat on Romeo. People who really love and respect their mates generally don't. People who have other reasons for marriage, very well may.

It probably hurts to hear this, I know, but here's the upside. There are billions of women all around the world, who would LOVE to meet a nice, stable, kind, responsible, intelligent, family man who goes through life trying to do his best. YOU ARE A CATCH. Maybe not her catch because she's deluded, but YOU ARE A CATCH. You just don't realize this. Don't go through life mourning that someone did you bad because she doesn't appreciate you.....think of all the women who would do you RIGHT because they'd appreciate the man you are and want to be with you. There's far more than you think.

So consider yourself the prize to be won. If you need to boost your self esteem with improving yourself physically, as we all often let ourselves go a bit with age....me too....then improve that. But don't let your self worth or you ability to have a relationship be based on this one deluded woman's idea about love. What she has been looking for isn't real but I doubt if that will change. VALUE YOURSELF HIGHER.

You’re one of the few who have their stuff together in the face of some brutal trauma.
You’re going to be ok no matter what happens or what she does.

@BondJaneBond - honestly, I don't know. It's a huge burden imposed on my life no matter how this goes. I think I don't need to decide that right now. I'm focused on feeling better, getting my sleep normal and being able to work without needing to cry in the toilet. I may R or D; I think what @sisoon says aligns to my mindset (at this exact moment). My wife may do a ton of work (or none) and it may still not matter. I get to decide that.

BS went NC immediately when I found out. She didn't understand/empathise initially but is now quite remorseful and I think there was an earlier mention of unconditional surrender. If she's not there, she is close. This morning she said "I know I can never make this up to you but I hope you'll let me spend the rest our lives trying".

It says on one of the starter threads that no matter what happens, everybody BS here eats a shit sandwich, and that's the truth.

I didn't deserve this. I didn't chose this path. My wife has been horrible to me. Truly terrible. I'm also not at the start of the journey looking into a certain future although I will admit there are some very poor signs. I'm halfway along and have taken a wayward trail. Rather than panic I'm going to do what I always do which is puzzle out what makes the most sense. Can she change? Yes. Do I care? Yes.

Will it be enough? Too soon to tell.

But I know that my mood swings up and down like a yoyo and that's not a great place to be making permanent decisions from.

Just to clarify: Affair is totally done. I have full digital transparency and NC has been locked in since day 1. I won't say it was appropriate but it wasn't "romantic" for her. I'm not okay with that but it gave me less to fight through than many here who have partners who are in a fog etc. I worry about her self-rationalisation at the time (she is not excusing it, says she was selfish and in the light of day is horrified by what she has done and how badly I am impacted).

In summary: This sucks. I'm still figuring things out. I appreciate all the input and perspectives. Please keep sharing.