SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just cought my wife texting to another man second time.

We have been married for 22 years now (Me 46, her 43) have 2 kids.
First time it was 10 years ago when I found out she was talking and texting her colleague at work but never admitted anything happened between them which I kinda believe because she is seeking for external validation rather than intimacy etc. We have never fully went over that in the healing way. We just went on.
After that, she stayed at home as a "stay at home mom" and I took the extra joba providing for the family which was working quite well (in the end I guess not).
We really care for eachother and like to spend the time together. Our plan for the "old times" was to travel around and get burried together

This time (2 months ago) I cought the conversation between her and the guy who is building our second house, exchanging texts about kissing and cuddles.

I was fucking devastated.

This should be the grand finale of our life and the departure towards peacefull waters because I felt exhausted with the work, houses and overall stress in the life.

The big difference between us is the social life. She is very unsocial, doesn't like to hang out with anyone, doesnt have the need for the friends (which she doesn't have BTW) and I for sure do. So when we got together in the 20's I was a young man/boy who just enjoyed life and because of that we had the early confrontations because I did not want to live in my 20's like some retired person and stay at home all the time.

Now I'm completely messed up, we still live in the same house, sleep together, had the histerical bonding period and now I'm in the straight line with only downs period.
I imediately brought the divorce papers, we went in the divorce office but resigned that for a period of 6 months to see if we can do something.
Now we are on the marriage therapies (individual) and next week comes the together one.

We lost 10+ kilos, I feel like I'm the one carrying all the weight of this shit and she is now only waiting for me to bring the veridict.

We thought that we were the best.
Lot of our friends admired our marriage and now we are the biggest shitpile around

I am so very sorry you are in this situation. You are about to receive some really excellent advice from some of the smartest and wisest people here. I am still fairly new here, and I will allow them to post their usual first post responses. Please read them and take them to heart. I wish I had gotten that wisdom when I first found myself in your shoes.

One thing I will say right now (and even though you have taken some positive steps like filing even if you weren't sure if you'd go through with it and both getting individual counseling), is that you most likely don't have the whole story from either of these discoveries. You may love your wife deeply, as I do, and she may love you deeply. That doesn't mean she is telling you the truth. About the only consistent aspect of anyone's story here is that the wayward spouse ALWAYS lies and covers up the truth as long as possible. And they will justify it any number of ways ("he didn't ask that specific question so I'm not lying", "I can't tell him that part because it will crush him", "I'll never do this again so what's the point in telling everything")

Investigate. Don't trust her word. Trust me, getting the truth, no matter how hard it is, is better in the long run.

Contact the other man's wife. Today.

Ask for a written timeline and then set up a polygraph. If she balks at this, you know she's not being truthful.

Praying for you.

@Carpenter81
I am aware of her not telling the full truth although she told me the exact messages that they were writing (not every single one of course) but also, as I have seen from her chatgpt history that she was not emotionally involved and it was only texts.
The biggest issue for me, and nobody knows the answer but me, should I give her another chance.
Although I am aware of the monster wives around I stili believe that she is not one of them.
Just, if she is, I don't want to learn it in my 60's :)

As far as what you know, I'll just say this: verify. I'm sure you're a smart guy who can find ways to prove what she says. Anything online or on a phone can be deleted, including chatgpt history. I know this from experience. I'm not trying to question your intelligence or try and convince you that your wife is lying. I'm just speaking from a further out perspective. And I wanted to believe a lot of things myself in the beginning. I would change a lot about how I handled my first two DDays if I could go back. I'm saying this gently and others will agree.

The biggest issue for me, and nobody knows the answer but me, should I give her another chance.

Somewhat agree. But the biggest issue right now is that you find out the truth. You can make the decision to give her another chance or not right now. But you can't make that decision based on what she's telling you right now. If you want to get through this, you've got a long difficult road and getting the truth, no matter what it takes and how much pain it causes, is priority number one.

Whether your want to give her a second, third, fourth chance is your decision alone. Everyone's level of grace varies.

But I am concerned about this:

I feel like I'm the one carrying all the weight of this shit and she is now only waiting for me to bring the veridict.

This isn't her first rodeo. If she isn't trying to dig deep, and I mean right now, then that is extremely troubling. If her actions are just the bare minimum, then expect minimum results. Expect repeats, because she is showing you, through her actions, that she doesn't want to change.

I take it as given – as granted – that the contractor has been fired. Please confirm that to us.
First of all – one thing needs to be clear to both you and her. She CAN flirt with OM if that’s what she wants.

Couples can recover from nearly anything IMHO – if they want to. But the key is to know what you are recovering FROM.
Like the texts with the OM: What does she say? "Only" texts, or was there some other contact? How long? Why? How started?

Give her a one-off immunity: She NOW has a period of 5 days to tell you EVERYTHING and no matter what then you won’t automatically file. But after this grace-period if you were to find out more – even some minor detail – then it’s more-or-less guaranteed you file. Make it clear that once she says you know everything you are requesting a polygraph to confirm she’s being honest.
Make it clear that whatever detail she shares NOW is less damaging than anything you discover later.
If it turns out that they were physical… you CAN recover. What you can’t recover from is wondering for the next 20 years if there is something you don’t know…

Not emotionally involved? So this is neither a physical affair nor an emotional one? What happened?
OF COURSE there was emotion. OF COURSE there was some excitement and all that. Maybe not "love" or maybe she had no intention of moving in with him, but there was emotion in her.

I would change a lot about how I handled my first two DDays if I could go back. I'm saying this gently and others will agree.

Couldn't agree more, except it took me months. I wanted to badly to believe, but deep down I knew if someone else was sharing with me I would call BS so fast. It's an awful space to be in.

This isn't her first rodeo. If she isn't trying to dig deep, and I mean right now, then that is extremely troubling. If her actions are just the bare minimum, then expect minimum results.

This so so hard but sooo true. The bare minimum will feel like A LOT to them because that's how low the bar got. That doesn't mean it's enough

First time it was 10 years ago when I found out she was talking and texting her colleague at work but never admitted anything happened between them which I kinda believe because she is seeking for external validation rather than intimacy etc.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that most instances of infidelity stem from someone seeking external validation, whether male or female, but it does seem a little more common with females.

There's a saying, "men tend to trade attention for sex, and women tend to trade sex for attention." Now, that can be reversed for sure, but that does generally seem to be the case quite often.

Your wife may be telling you the truth and things never went beyond text messages, but you'd be shocked at how many times that's been said only to find out down the road that things turned physical. I'm not saying that's definitely the case with your wife, but I think you should brace yourself for more possible revelations. It's very, very, very rare for a betrayed spouse to get the whole truth, the entire story, right out of the gates. Almost every single wayward spouse downplays, minimizes, and obfuscates what actually happened upon discovery.

I think Bigger, as usual, has some good advice for you. Tell her you want a timeline with at least approximate dates, what all was said, what happened, and how far it went. Tell her you're willing to offer temporary immunity in as far as you'll be willing to at least try to work through whatever it is as long as you have the whole truth. Finding out anything later will pretty much guarantee separation. Tell her you plan to verify with a polygraph. Even if you don't do one, her reaction could tell you a lot by itself.

As far as whether or not you should forgive (or reconcile), that's entirely up to you. Many have worked through much worse than what you've been told so far. That's not to downplay what she did. Betrayal is betrayal, but a lot of that will depend on you, and how she handles her side of it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:41 PM, Thursday, May 14th]