SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You’ve probably received around 657 years worth of wisdom in the last week. Consider it all.
The only thing I can add at this time is, see things for what they are, not what you wish them to be. It’s a Real easy trap to fall into and delude yourself with this much emotional turmoil involved.

There is no measuring stick or gauge that determines how badly or compares how an affair hurts someone vs another. For each and every one of us it's the worst experience of our lives.

My heart breaks reading your posts because I know exactly how the fuck you feel. I really do. I wish there was a magic phrase or strategy we could offer that could help, but unfortunately there just isn't. Only time.

What you don't want to do is nothing. From everything we can see she's giving you fewer and fewer options. Based on her behavior and actions there's an ever so slight, but unlikely chance that she might turn this around once divorce is officially on the table, but I wouldn't bet on it. From what I can tell, it's the only card you have left unless you're prepared to continue living in this limbo while your wife continues working and maintaining some sort of relationship with this guy and continuing to stomp on your very real, very justified, and very raw feelings.

You will eventually start feeling better. It just takes longer than anyone wants it to. I'm sorry brother. I'm sorry you're being put through this.

Thank you

beetrain6 how are you holding up? Hopefully you have found some peace and stability. Don't let her gaslight or manipulate you.

Hey Ghost - thanks for asking.

Well, I'm officially (yet not officially - please continue to read) in the limbo zone where I don't know what to do, yet I in my heart know what needs to be done. Papers are with my attorney, have been for weeks. Wife and I have good days, then questionable days that follow. Meaning, we don't argue nearly as much as we used to , but there's clearly angst coming from both of us - whether it's her missing her OM, the fact that she felt dismissed or lied to by him, or (to a lesser degree which is still shocking to me) b/c she may lose her family including her 3 kids. On my end, it's not being able to look at her the same way. I'm not hurt any longer (well that's a lie b/c it does come and go given the situation), but mostly I find myself not knowing who I'm married to. She, today, is a a shell of what she used to be.

Quick note, I went down the stupid rabbit hole a few nights ago and starting comparing and contrasting her phone calls w/the OM to our personal text messages. Shit is crazy to say the least. I don't think I need to elaborate b/c I'm sure you know what I would say had I had the time to spell it out. I have so much distaste for her right now it's insane. Yet, I still love her. I don't know why, but I do.

I have been going to therapy for 6 straight weeks now and it's helped. I've also been to a psych and have been placed on a few lower dose drugs, but I don't find them helpful. She's out of town (not with him) for work right now so things aren't the same. She's very monotone compared to when she's here in person. She's always "tired" and ready to let me go (she calls, I don't call her) so I believe she's simply going through the motions.

I'm trying to cut bait little by little, but at the same time trying to build up my bank account so I'm in a better position to pull the trigger. I want to do this amicably, but I don't see that happening unfortunately. She's a B. She will come at me full force when I ask for primary custody but I have gotten sound advice that I'm on solid ground to start off with.

I appreciate everyone's advice over the past 2 months. It has not been easy and I do not wish this upon anyone. My heart will never be the same, but my kids give me the love I need each day to keep on keeping on. As lame as that may sound. I do hate my WW, but I do love her at the same time. If someone could make sense of that for me, I'm all ears. Love all of y'all

Yet, I still love her. I don't know why, but I do.

You still love who you THOUGHT she was. It’s not your fault, but the image she presented to you was not the real her. Now you’re seeing who she truly is, and your brain cannot process the glaring discrepancy. This crap is hard because the reality you thought existed has just be painfully proven to have been a lie. It’s like discovering your wife had been a Russian sleeper agent all this time and you never knew. It gets exposed and you understandably wrack your brain trying to make sense of it all, and it’s a massive struggle.

You desperately want R, and here’s the non-intuitive thing: your only chance is to file, but you must 100% mean it. That’s the ONLY thing that MIGHT pop the fantasy bubble she’s got going with OM as she starts to see real consequences land, namely a D. Not doing this will only guarantee one thing: you continue to suffer in limbo. Filing will flush out if there’s ANY chance she could ultimately become a candidate for R. She certainly isn’t now, and I think you know that. Why do you think doing nothing will help?

Also: are you working with your therapist to dig into your fears of a D?