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When she said something to the effect "she didn't think you would do that"...meaning tell the spouse....to me that shows she is used to you being under her control. She is used to you being docile.

You should be very pleased with yourself for showing her you are not a man who allows himself to be a doormat.

Keep it up!! 💪

I want to ask you, does this:

After 16 years, you would think that you'd know someone in their entirety, but it's almost like she's a completely different person. The lies, the cheating, the inability to take accountability, verbal cruelty, blaming etc. She couldn't give me a minute of her time yesterday to talk, now she spends almost the entire day trying to talk, change the narrative and make this my fault.

Help you steel your soul to all of this? What I mean is, does the fact that she is literally torching bridges between you help you in the effort to detach?

I know that the emotional enmeshment of years is a very very powerful thing, but when the traitor is behaving in this manner, does it ablate your feelings toward her somewhat?

Regardless, you have been given tremendous tactical advice as to the 180 and VAR. Read about the "Grey Rock" and do your best to enact.

The fact that she is verbally abusing you, or attempting to do so, is a red flare to you that she is capable of more of the same. I adjure you now to see an attourney asap. You need to know your rights under the laws of your state/country and take steps to protect yourself. This is shaping up to be extremely adversarial.

It has been seen here and Ive seen this in my social circle where the abusive traitor takes advantage of the betrayeds stunned disbelief to get their ducks in a row and be far ahead of the game.

Dont get rolled by her.

Wow, this has been a ride to read. I'm sorry you're here beetrain6, but at least you've been getting amazing support from the community here.

I'm only a few months in, and have been on an emotional ride since DDay, but it looks like you've gotten a hell of a head start on things in a few days. For what it's worth, prioritize the health and safety of you and your children. Stick to what Bigger's "sandwich" speech (i'm a big fan of that one) says/means and keep doing what you're doing. Keep things civil and make sure your wW knows it's on her to work this out with you and the family first. Certainly, there are things you can do to help/improve yourself here, but you're not doing it for your WW, you're doing it for you and your kids.

Keep your head up, and whatever you decide ultimately the community here can/will help.

Best of luck!

When she said something to the effect "she didn't think you would do that"...meaning tell the spouse....to me that shows she is used to you being under her control. She is used to you being docile.

Spot on.

Which is why I suggested getting a voice activated recorder for protection. Maybe even cameras in and outside of the home.

Cheaters expect to remain in control and able to manipulate the situation.

Also be prepared for the OM dumping your wife BT6. Suddenly when some cheaters have the affair exposed, they reverse course. The affair no longer works for them — given that they will lose $, time with family, divvying up assets and retirement may be put on hold for a few years.

You have no idea the impact you have had on this affair. Oh to be a fly on the wall and be able to hear what the Other Man is telling HIS betrayed wife.

Things like: it didn’t mean anything, I don’t love her (the affair partner), I want to work this out, blah blah blah.

Too bad the other betrayed spouse doesn’t know about this site lol

It has been seen here and Ive seen this in my social circle where the abusive traitor takes advantage of the betrayeds stunned disbelief to get their ducks in a row and be far ahead of the game.

Dont get rolled by her.

You are 100% correct friend. I just learned yesterday that she had planned on leaving at the beginning of next month, but the air B&B that she was supposed to lease, was sold outright by the owners. When I told her that I was going to divorce her, she said, "divorce me? Fu*k you, I'm divorcing you!" That's the first time that I've heard the word "divorce" come out of her mouth - typically it's 'separation.' But that didn't keep her from reminding me how many times she's told me in the past that she wants a divorce (not true - has always been separation). She is all over the place, distorting our memories/relationship. I honestly think that she truly believes whatever she says is the truth. It's odd actually, b/c some of what she says is clearly fabricated but she is so resolute when saying it.

Yesterday was the first day in 5 that I didn't shed a tear. Hopefully I can build on that today. Having her away during this time has been a blessing in disguise in a way. I have consoled and bonded with my kids more in this week than I had in many years combined. Taking the road trip to OK was an epiphany. I'll admit, it was also humiliating and humbling at the same time, but I wouldn't change it for anything else.

She comes home tomorrow night. I believe the OM leaves the business trip today, a day earlier, which is normal given their job responsibilities. I don't know, and I don't care, if they hooked up again last night - or this morning for that matter. It's out in the open now for everyone to see. Screw it.

You are almost at the masking coming off moment. It can and will get much worse. Once she realizes she is fully losing control of the situation and narrative she will start to really spiral.This was an exit affair you just caught her before she was ready. You need to probably realize there is no going back nor should you want that. This is not someone you can even entertain reconciling with.

I am sorry to say you need to be as stoic as possible and not let her goad you into any sort of emotional response. It has to be just business from here on out.

Start looking for a lawyer and prepare the kids for a divorce. I would also tell her you are not going to lie for her to anyone. She made decisions she needs to own up to them.

I came here just to ask that same question. Is it time to consult with and/or retain an attorney? I have filled out the paperwork and am only asking for joint custody, nothing more. My fear is that she will try to go for full custody and I don't want to be blindsided. I was going to file the paperwork with the district court w/out an attorney. Bad idea?

Hire an attorney. Be prepared. Just because you have an attorney does not mean it needs to be WW3. Do not respond to her threats or whatever nonsense she spews.

Depending on your state 50/50 could be the default but I would retain an attorney as soon as you can.

Your WW has already shown signs that she’s willing to make this high conflict. Whether she comes to her senses or goes full on war of the roses only time will tell. Line up some consults, learn what you need to do to protect yourself.

If she begins acting reasonably you can both save a lot of time and money. If she comes after you don’t be caught on your back foot.

You have children that are still minors-- get an attorney ASAP. Do not under any circumstance try to download docs from google or try some divorce kit you saw advertised on the internet and attempt to do a DIY divorce. You are just asking for trouble. Along with your children, it appears that you and your WW both have pretty good jobs and probably have assets (paying a mortgage at least, right?) It's not like you are both working minimum wage jobs and don't have a pot to piss in-- get an attorney.

I agree with TheGhost. This was an exit affair. Your WW has been planning ahead for some time if she's already lining up rentals. You have discovered the affair and are now wrecking your WW's plans. You have been in catch-up mode but if you get an attorney and file for divorce you will leap ahead of your WW and she will be put into the position of having to react to your actions. The shoe will suddenly be on the other foot.

NOTE: Just because you filed for divorce doesn't necessarily mean that you will be divorced. Divorces take time. Things may settle and you may change your mind. But you should only change your mind if your WW earns the right of the gift of reconciliation. Actions over words. Your trust in her will never be fully restored to what it was before. You will never, ever forget what she did to you and your family. Deal with her from a position of strength and always remember how she thought she could walk all over you.

You have exposed the affair- your children, your family and now the OBS knows (hopefully you left contact info with her sister and the OBS makes direct contact with you- keep that line of communication open and trade info with each other.) Cannot recall if you've informed her family of her affair, if not, do so quickly. Her plans of spinning her planned separation and divorce to others by claiming you never loved her/took care of her/etc. will go down in flames. Obviously, she never planned to reveal the OM until the time was right, if ever. Let everyone on both sides of the family know the name of her affair partner. She may have had plans to run off into the sunset with her new man, she may still do so- let the family know who the homewrecker is so they can respond knowing the awful truth and not her lies.

Protect your children and stay strong. You're having problems with the 180? Keep it formal and businesslike with your WW (easier said than done but you gotta do it-- just know she's going to want you to become emotional because then your easier to manipulate.)

Before your WW comes home, I would advise you to make some changes to the house: Have a spare room? Move her shit into the spare room. No spare room- put a pillow and blankets on the couch, that's where she can sleep for now- until she can provide a clean STD report in writing that she had done after her lovefest with her lover this past week. Tell her you don't want her possibly diseased body in your bed. Put a lock on the master bedroom. Get all your important documents (tax returns, passports, SSN cards, health insurance, deed/mortgage, wills, POA) and store them somewhere out of your house in a secure location. Take down any pics of just the 2 of you, but keep pics of the kids hanging up. Rearrange some furniture in common areas to your liking. She's expecting to come back to her normal home- the nest she has built over 16 years. By taking some simple steps in the house, you will convey to your WW that her actions have made her an outsider to you, the children and the home. Hopefully, she makes arrangements to move out- that's what she wanted to do anyways, right? She bitches about the changes? Point to the door and tell her you decided to help move her plans of leaving the family up faster and don't let the door hit her where the good Lord split her.

By the look of her phone activity today, she's making moves of some kind. I see a lot of outgoing calls back to phone numbers w/ our area code (reminder she is in Boston now) with some calls lasting 15-25 or so minutes. She's supposed to be working on job site, so she's obviously doing something other than what she's actually doing. In between, I still see calls to the OM, 3 minutes here, 7 minutes there etc. This is gut wrenching and nerve racking. I have heard back from one attorney who I agreed to consult with, but have yet to get a proposed time/date. I'm praying that I can get that done today or tomorrow, definitely before she comes home. I have a bad feeling that a shitstorm is about to take place.

Reverse lookup? If they are to law offices then you know she is on the offensive. You should start trying to set up consultations.

If I had to guess its calls about logistics. Places to rent or lawyers to hire. Perhaps the legwork on babysitting/after school care if you guys are going to be splitting custody right away.

It could also be to acquaintances trying to set up the narrative.

[This message edited by TheGhost at 8:27 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Most likely she's calling attorneys and trying to get in for a consult when she gets back. Get to one faster. If you know someone that has gone through a divorce recently call them up and asked who they used for their attorney or was the attorney on the other side better and get names. Call your local bar association and get names of family lawyers (1st hand referrals are better though) The best way is if you are friends or acquittances with a local attorney, call him/her up and ask who'd they recommend for a family attorney. Attorneys talk and know who the better attorneys are, get names and start calling.

I'm not in your area (S. Central Texas) but I -could- give you some names but I don't think that's allowed here. And you don't have enough posts to qualify for private messages (need over 50 posts) I am assuming you're near the DFW metroplex, if you're past Denton I can't help you.

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 9:00 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

You need to ask for more than joint custody.

Get with an attorney NOW!

I have a consultation tomorrow morning.

Ask for more than joint?

[This message edited by beetrain6 at 11:03 PM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Depends on whether she has been a good mother or not. If you guys have shared in raising the children and she has been present, I doubt you are going to get full custody. It’s not easy to get full custody these days, and, at the risk of sounding misogynistic, it’s even harder for a mother to lose all or most of her custody.

No one here knows your wife, and frankly, you might not either. You are about to see a totally different side of her, and it is not going to be pleasant. You are about to realize she probably has a whole support system you had no idea about and resources you were unaware of. If you have family to lean on, do it. If you have friends to lean on, start to read them in.

Bee,

People usually politely give advice understanding us on the other end of the internet may not know the fully story.

Not in this case.

You get a lawyer on retainer as fast as possible. Sell a kidney if you have to. You don’t worry about custody or alimony. Your lawyer knows more than any of us will ever know about divorce wherever it is you live. Seriously, he or she will largely know exactly what the settlement will look like early on.

YOU NEED TO GET THIS MONSTER OUT OF YOUR LIFE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. This is so egregious I’d be oissed at you if you tried for reconciliation. What you both do now is a roadmap for three precious children. They’ve seen and heard more than you know. They need to know what good behavior looks like before they codify how your monster wife acts as normal. Seriously, this is really bad and I understand I’m probably crossing a line. I’m heated for this on your behalf. You have every right to be angry and confused. It pisses me off so much that another human could treat another this way. Much less one who vowed fidelity and love. #NotARedPillIPromise

I agree with the above. You need someone asap to protect your interests. Your attorney needs to understand that as you speak she is more than likely maneuvering to decimate you in D. She does not sound like someone interested in a cooperative division of assets. She’s hostile and looking to hurt you. If I am mischaracterizing her attitude you are still taking steps to protect your interests. Good luck.

Here is my suggestion. Maybe overkill but you cannot be too careful.

File papers to get temporary some custody. Why? You don’t want her to decide to take kids & move. Move away, move in with the Other Man, whatever.

You want custody so kids (and you) remain in the home until all of this is sorted out.

Right now there is nothing stopping her from relocating w/ kids. No court order or custody agreement- nothing.

Ask for temporary child support from her so you have $ got kids. I don’t care if you make enough $ — ask for it anyway.